Anger with God by Eleanor Cowles
My volatile temper has erupted freely through the years. I have been known to kick a hole in a door, slam a phone down hard enough to break it, and throw a full garbage container down the stairs. I had anger in my genes. My father was a hanger banger, a door slammer, and an automobile racer. When angry he would noisily slide hangers around in the closet looking for a jacket, then leave the house, slamming the door behind him. Soon we would hear the car engine roaring down the driveway. So, as a young adult, I knew I had his temper. But I never thought I would get mad at God.
With marriage and children came a new dimension of love, with all its emotional potential. I fiercely loved my three sons, and would have given my life to ensure their happiness. Now they are grown and still fill my heart. As I see their lives veer away from my dreams for them I am upset. I pray, asking God to help them, but often see no results.
Schizophrenia crippled our youngest son. My husband and I struggle with decisions about his future, knowing some day we will not be here for him. Our oldest son, while working in Japan, met and married a Japanese girl. She is a wonderful wife and mother, and we love her, but she is a devout Buddhist. Our sons’ faith, on shaky ground while in Japan, has crumbled. They live in Texas, and have no church connection. Our little grandson is growing up unaware of Jesus, even though we do what we can to open his eyes. Colorado is home for our middle son, still unmarried and struggling with career decisions. He is angry with us, feeling we are not correctly handling his younger brothers’ mental health problems. He has refused contact with us for several months.
Twice during these tumultuous times I became angry with God. I dumped my Bibles and devotional books into a large grocery bag and put it in a dark corner of the closet. My feelings at this time were:
- God, I wanted to be a good mother. What have I done wrong?
- God, why have you allowed my son to take a Buddhist wife when I was praying so hard for You to lead him to the right girl?
- God, why have you allowed my middle son to be so confused and angry?
- God, my youngest son put his faith in You. Why must he suffer this terrible disease?
- God, I wanted a close, loving family. Was this too much to ask?
- God, where does your providence come into conflict with the free will you have given each of us?
- God, I don’t understand any of this!
Each time this happened I was drawn back to God in just a few days. I couldn’t live alienated from Him, so out came the Bibles, and I began to pray again. I realized even when I gave up on God, He didn’t give up on me. He took my tears and anger and wept with me. He showed me when everything fails I still need Him. He is as necessary to me as light, air, and water. When Jesus asks His disciples in John 6:67-69, “You do not want to leave me too, do you?” Simon Peter answers Him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God.” I stand with Peter in saying to God, “To whom shall I go?”
I am still confused about many things. I can’t see what good can come from these roadblocks in our lives. I wonder how God works, how much control He has, and how much of what happens comes from our mistakes. I don’t see the big picture. Answers may not come in my lifetime. But I am learning my security comes from God, not what He gives me. I believe He will never forsake me, so am gradually placing our future, and that of our sons, into His hands. To whom else, indeed, shall we go?
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