The foundations of a Christian Relationship by Tyler Barnett
What happens when the time comes for you to talk about your faith with that perfect guy or gal you just met? This can be quite a delicate situation as religion, much like politics, is one of those topics that can be very sensitive to people. It is, however, the perfect opportunity to share one’s faith as well as learn something about the other person’s faith. Here are a few guidelines and important considerations when the conversation pops up.
First and Foremost
Pray! Ideally, we should be praying about that special someone long before we even meet him/her. Ask God to reveal the type of potential mate He wants for you so when you meet him/her, you will know. Ask that you, rather than your mate, be transformed into the person God desires. When we realize submission to God’s plan may not coincide with our plan, we can accept the little hurdles that are present. He may design someone lacking the traits you desire, or He may not call you to be married at that time. Put simple—make God’s plan, your plan.
Our prayers should be those of change and understanding:
Pray that God may change you to be the complete man or woman of God He wants you to be.
Pray that God will soften both you and your potential mate’s hearts so you might better understand each other’s faith.
Pray that your potential mate JUST GETS IT! We know we do not have all the answers, however we live according to what we believe to be true. The truth is self-evident in believers; you are the evidence of your faith.
Pray that God will give you understanding so you can rejoice in each person’s differences and uniqueness.
Reveal Yourself, But Not All of Yourself
The first step in developing an intimate relationship is to reveal oneself. If the relationship has progressed to dating, this is a good time to reveal some of the deeper traits of your personality. Just like any aspect of your personality, it is important to share your faith at your comfort level. Once you feel you can trust the person with what is on your heart, do so cautiously.
As it is written in Proverbs 4:23, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” Opening oneself up to the other person is a big step and creates a situation of vulnerability. Vulnerability has its place and time as the relationship progresses so remember to guard your heart in the mean time.
Think of the word intimacy in this way, “Into Me See.” The act of sharing our beliefs with a potential mate reveals a very important piece of our personality and in affect, progresses the relationship. The first step is a delicate one so it is important to share only those things about your personality that are appropriate. My relationship with my fiancé is a great example.
Considering that I was attending a non-denominational Christian church at the time, my fiancé knew if she had revealed all about the Church on our first date; all about the Holy Days, the Sabbath, the dietary laws… I would have thought she was crazy! She instead shared how important the Church was to her.
I cannot help but respect this woman! As the relationship progressed, she revealed more and more of herself, and the resulting affect was that I saw more of God by her example. I now keep the Sabbath and God’s Holy Days. Worshiping God on these important days is not done because she required it of me but because He requires it of me.
Dating is not, however, the time to “flirt to convert.” It is an opportunity to share a little bit about yourself. We are not given the opportunity to assert “requirements” or “prerequisites” of the other person’s religious faith. Ask God to reveal the truth and let Him do His work.
Share Your Past, Present and Future
Once the relationship has progressed and both people have revealed their beliefs, a certain degree of acceptance must be reached. Acceptance is the second step towards an intimate relationship and is personified when we accept the other person for who they are, despite what we may see as good or bad. In my own relationship with my fiancé, we both revealed our beliefs, however they were not entirely copacetic.
Despite what we seemed to expect, arguments were not effective means of softening each other’s hearts. We instead accepted each other through prayer, the example of her family and communication. We communicated our beliefs but not before we communicated how important they were to us.
If the time has come that the relationship has progressed and there is no acceptance, a decision must be made. Do you:
A. Accept them for who they are and proceed?
B. Accept them for who they are and end it?
The decision is entirely yours. Notice there are no other options; we must accept them for who they are. Huge issues arise when we think we can “change” our potential mate. There comes a time when we learn all there is to know about a person, but we simply cannot reconcile our differences. No one is perfect, however in a faith-based relationship a congruent faith should be a prerequisite.
God desires for you and your mate to know the truth and it takes time to develop understanding of that truth. Should harmony exist, each mate must be willing to accept the little differences and character quirks that are evident in all relationships.
There comes a time when marriage may be discussed. It was on my mind the moment I met my fiancé but it may come many years later for others. Here are some keys topics to discuss: ·
Money: Who is responsible for earning? And in what portions?
Career: What are the career goals?
Kids? How many?
Who will stay home with the kids?
What role does family play?
Embrace Your Mate
The third step towards an intimate relationship is to embrace. We know our mate, they know us, we accept them, and finally we like them for who they are. There is no room for, “Well they don’t really like that I keep the Sabbath, but other than that, our relationship is great!” If the Sabbath is important to you, it will be important to your mate. As I mentioned before, every relationship has flaws and disagreements, however there are certain topics that should be agreed upon.
Finally, an intimate relationship shows an assumption of goodwill. Simply put, we think favorably upon the person no matter what. This is the stage where we realize the other person is more like us than unlike us. His or her faults are no different or profound than ours. His or her triumphs and achievements are no greater than our own. We realize we are alike, despite our differences.
Those fortunate enough to be in an intimate relationship have grown more and more alike, not because they have abandoned their beliefs, but because they share the same ideals of faith. This is why a foundation of self-revelation, acceptance, embrace, and assumption of goodwill is important to a lasting Christian marriage.
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